Damnit my sister is home that means I have to put pants on
Last night, I ran for the nearest bus passing
but let it forget to let me on.
Last night, the lake was a teaspoon
of black sky and somewhere,
you unremembered my name.
Every doorframe in my house
seems to wait for you.
The sink leaks and the dishes
fall out of my hands.
They never break,
just clang and clang
and remind me how quiet
everything is afterwards.
Soon, though, I’ll wrap myself in lace
and cut my hem a little lower
and walk the night alone.
Soon, I’ll holds my heels in my hands
and the pebbles on the sidewalk
will hurt my feet.
Soon, I’ll be okay.
I miss you
doesn’t mean I want you back.
I miss you
doesn’t mean I need you to fix this.
I miss you only means
one day I won’t.
Sometimes I wish I had done everything I could to make those past relationships work. Then I remember that even if I had a year long relationship now, I’d still be forced to break up with them, because I wouldn’t want to put them through not being able to see me for months. I wouldn’t want to put them through worrying about me night and day, being lonely night and day, cooking for themselves night and day, hanging out with our friends and watching the other couples together, spending time with each other, while her man is off in the army. I’m not sure if it would be worth it in the long run, because I can’t see that far ahead, but for the next 10 years, I’m gone.
Still though, it would be nice to have someone in the last crucial weeks…